TGIF

When I arrived at my parent's house with the baby yesterday afternoon, I was greeted by a smiling dad who said he was just getting ready for TGIF. Soon, the coffee table was draped in a white table cloth, set with wine glasses stuffed with pretty napkins.

I've never been home for a TGIF before, a tradition that started sometime after I got married. My dad, now retired, spends part of the week researching recipes to test on my family, and sometimes I hear how lovely the tapas were or get to enjoy some really delicious leftovers if I visit on a Saturday.

My dad placed a fancy candlestick on the coffee table and positioned two poinsettias left over from Christmas. The he left for an hour while I spent time with Vecmamma and my baby. He came back with a bunch of daffodils he set in a vase.

Then he got my mother from the bus stop, and there were hellos and kisses and time to change into comfy clothes. Then my dad went into the kitchen, and though I stepped in to get some banana to feed the baby, I didn't stay long because it was clear he was concentrating. He was still there as my mother and I sat around the coffee table later, by candlelight -- he was preparing our mulled wine.

The tapas looked delicious, but I wondered if they would be enough -- cheese in special sauce, marinaded olives, tomatoes with mozzarella and pears. But this was just the first course, my parents explained. We shared, and then my dad disappeared into the kitchen to bring paninis with soft cheese and mushrooms. There was one left over if I wanted it, but one with hot potato salad was enough before dessert. I left to get the baby for bed and then came back to more extra-sweet wine and a fluffy custard torte.

Vecmamma was on the couch near us, eating too and feeding the dog as always. She even gave Zemmy some of her coffee in a bowl, but no one called for her to stop, as we sometimes do when we are willing to raise our voices. This time we rolled our eyes and laughed a bit and called the dog closer, and she came wagging and sniffing the baby's pajamas, and the baby smiled and played with a couch cushion, and everyone was smiling.

Grocery shopping before a blizzard

Thanks to the woman who let me cut ahead just a little in the 40-minute-long line at the grocery store after my baby started to scream from weariness.

Thanks also to her and the cashier and other folks nearby for making small talk while efficiently handling groceries. They helped distract us both and reminded me that the world wasn't ending. I thought I was really calm despite her crying, but after a number of minutes of it, I think I was starting to lose it a bit, and I guess it showed on my face.

I was so happy to get to the front of the line, I took just a second after loading my groceries to hand another woman a coupon for the sour cream she had. She saved $1.10, and I saved just a little of my sanity. I was so happy to get out of the store, I didn't even check the receipt to make sure I got my free tortillas.

Thanks to my poor little baby, who found the line at the grocery store more distressing than the shot she got at the pediatrician today. Now she is napping, and it is doing us both good.

(I was going to take a picture, but the camera woke her, so here is one from last month instead.)

Sheesh

You all know how I'm afraid of tornadoes? Woke up last night to rain and wind and my first thought was, "IS IT A TORNADO?" Lying awake, heart pounding, I concluded that no, no tornado -- just lots of rain and, oh, also wind strong enough to rip the neighbor's piece of flapping siding off his house and toss it into our backyard.

When I finally slept I dreamt of real tornadoes.

And now do I deliver this siding to neighbor?

The lack of this piece of siding could lead to water going into both our attics, so it will have to be repaired soon, anyway.

Also, maybe I should read more blogs by cool New Englanders or West Cost people or Canadians, because I had the urge to start this entry out with "y'all." And as much as some people claim I say y'all, I still maintain that I just say "you all" very quickly.

This is a draft I suppose

One of my favorite things about being grown up is that I get a lot of mail now, though it is only sometimes the right kind of mail. I used to get the mail from the mailbox when I was younger, and as I brought down the hill and into the front door, my grandmother would ask me if there were any love letters. There mostly weren't, though, just bills for my parents and advertisements.

My grandmother used to work in the post office, back before World War II, back in Latvia, almost a story-land. I have never worked at the post office, and anyway, it is different now. I hear they have computers to help sort the mail, sending thousands of letters in all different directions.

But I don't think the computers can read my scribbly writing. I imagine people poring over my letters, somewhere in central processing -- I imagine them cursing my scribbles, being thankful that I am at least legible with the zip code, sending my letters off somewhere near Cloverly where they get sorted again and sent out on the truck, imagining that they know my handwriting soon, imagine that maybe they are familiar with it by now, awaiting them even, sorting them with familiarity now that there have been so many -- a trail from all my other places back to my grandmother, letters leading letters, letters leading to her.

The other day I called and my mother thanked me for something I had sent her, and also said, "And Vecmamma reads your letter every five minutes." When I am visiting her I sometimes clear away the old ones to make room for new ones. And when I am far from her I make new ones to send to her.

Six stockings

I have been worrying a bit lately about my stockpile of stuff. It is on a shelf in our home, where I've lined up our very favorite shampoos and toothpastes and things bought for free with coupons -- or sometimes I was even paid to buy them! And it is nice to have things on hand so I know we won't run out before the next sale. But I have been thinking of things like sufficiency in Christ, the Christ who told us to give our things away, and I have been wondering whether I trust too much in my pile of things, even if they are very useful things I got for free.

This time of year gets me excited, though. At our church they set up a few giving trees, with stockings underneath you can fill with needy children and ornaments that tell you what you could buy for people at the local nursing home. Some of the gift requests were so simple, asking for toothpaste or nail polish remover. I got a few things and put them under the tree last weekend, with more than a week to go before the deadline.

Some of the stockings for the kids hadn't been taken when we went to church, though. I thought someone might take them at one of the later Masses, but I asked Joe to look to see if there were any left. I figured I could fill them with some extra CVS bucks I have... it sounded like fun. But I didn't expect Joe to bring home six stockings! (I definitely didn't tell him that, well, I was thinking he could just choose one or two.) So now we have stockings for one medium-size girl and five medium-to-big boys.

And to fill that many, we raided our stockpile. Toothpaste was on the list of suggested items! And oh, we had lots -- and toothbrushes, and sweet vanilla lotion for the girl, and lots of gum I'd bought during my chewing-gum-all-the-time days, and some candy. And with the last of the CVS bucks and a handy coupon that just arrived from JCPenney, there were a few toys for the younger boys and hats or gloves. Some really cool and hats and gloves! And a few dollars went to getting a good hat for the teenage boy.

It is confusing, living this life. Though I know some nuns who really do rely on providence to meet all their daily needs, and I admire their radical trust in God, I don't think that's quite how I'm supposed to do things myself, especially now that I have a husband and a little girl. But how am I supposed to do it? I know there is no such thing as guaranteed security in life, but being more secure some ways helps you be more giving in others... if I save money on toothpaste, I can put it toward better things. But seeking security on this earth isn't the point, and it is easy to get distracted by it. I wouldn't mind hearing anyone else's thoughts on these things.

I am glad to give the toothpaste away, though I know I will feel strange if I run out before the next sale and have to pay for more. I haven't paid for toothpaste in a long time!

No place like it

I have a kitchen full of unwashed dishes. Some have been in their piles since Thursday.

But Joe is working today, so we won't be able to wash them side by side this morning or afternoon, one handling the soap and the other wiping down counters, or making faces at the baby, or sweeping, or putting on good songs. And though the neighbor kids came over yesterday and filled the house with paper airplanes (I taught them how to make good ones), and though I know there are friends who might be able to talk on the phone, the thought of staying in today is a quiet one, and I realize I have no real, close friends here.

So I am putting the baby in the car and going to Cloverly, where my grandmother is full of old stories and my parents are happy to listen on a shady deck. It's still home, though this is too, and I'm always welcome both places, I and my daughter both.

I will be back to make dinner. And then the pile of dishes will be so big, well, we will figure something out, or maybe we will just leave them 'til Monday, hah, and dance a dance to celebrate. (But we almost certainly won't, because that might drive us a bit too crazy.)

An appointment

I'd been dreading yesterday's dentist appointment for days, and not because I harbor any fear of getting my teeth scraped with metal implements (though it might make more sense than fearing tornadoes), but because I would be getting my teeth scraped with little Marija looking on.

I've taken her shopping and to church and to other people's houses and I've learned that even though I can plan things so she's likely to be calm or asleep, I can't ever really know how she'll behave. But the way things were going today, it looked like she was due for a long nap about the time I'd be getting examined, and she fell into a nice sleep in her baby carrier as I filled out paperwork in the dentist's waiting room.

They called my name and I took Marija into the exam room. When the hygenist looked at her I said, "She's asleep!"

"Oh, we like sleeping babies," was her reply.

And then Marija woke up!

And I thought she would fall right back asleep, but everything was so interesting she stayed awake. And I thought she would start to fuss halfway through or so, for sure. But oh, she stayed contentedly awake in her carrier almost an hour, looking around and playing with her hands and making adorable noises from time to time. Other staff members passing by would make little faces at her and oh, it was perfect.

The hygenist did say that a woman who came in recently with a baby a similar age had the baby scream the whole time, and the woman ultimately had to reschedule. And she said it in an understanding tone, and I am not so afraid of having a baby who might make a big fuss, because I know I won't be the first. And I guess I knew that before, but still, it helps me to hear it.

In the last couple weeks, I feel like I've really gotten things together a bit, and feeling like I can do almost anything even though Marija is here.

And the crack on my front tooth I'd been worried about is apparently nothing to worry about for now, so that is just wonderful.

The sun came out!

It was beautiful yesterday, so Joe and I took the baby to a park in the afternoon. It might become one of our favorite spots: Gilbert Run Park, just a pretty drive away. There was a long lake with woods around it, and we took Marija in her stroller. She stared up at the trees and we realized we hadn't taken her into the woods before. What kind of parents are we... she's more than two months old!

I wish I'd brought my camera. There was a long bridge over part of the lake and very big ducks on the water, and we lifted Marija up to show her, though she seemed a bit under-impressed. Then we went over some crunchy leaves and across the earthen dam and along the trail around the lake, where we had views of the water and also the trees that kids had carved their names into over the years.

The way was bumpy but quick until we got halfway around, where we rested on a bench and looked at a beaver lodge. Then the trail got narrower and hillier, until finally we folded the stroller up and one of us carried it and the other carried the baby. It was quite a haul until we were almost back, when Joe found a little maintenance road that was smoother, and when we got out we saw the sign (facing the direction we hadn't been going): "Nature trail, rough terrain." The warning came a little late...

It will be really fun to go there when Marija's older and can marvel at the ducks and the little fish in the streams and all the low bridges through the swampy bits. And the park has the best playground. I wanted to play on it!

My little girl

Marija turns two months old in just a few hours, wow. There is a lot of time just changing diapers and such, but there is more and more time spent playing, and always new discoveries, like noticing the red spot on her tongue or realizing her eyes are lightening to look more like Joe's or my sisters'.

Her likes: milk, naps, being held upright, rattles, stroller rides, car rides, being sung to, dancing with Mamma or Tētis, anything interesting to watch

Dislikes: the dirty diaper coming off, the clean diaper coming on, needing to burp, pacifiers, when Joe blows his nose (she cries!)

Hobbies: making adorable coos and other sounds (favorites include "ah-gu," "hau" and "genng"), trying to fit her whole fist into her mouth, melting hearts with her smiles, napping with one eye open just to keep Mamma on her toes

It's really neat to watch her blossom, getting more interested in the world around her and participating in it more. She's also becoming more independent... of course she still loves to be held, and she gets held a lot, but sometimes she's happy now just to lie on a mat and watch me put laundry onto hangers -- as long as I do a silly song or dance every once in a while, hah!

She's been really sleepy today, and though it's let me be more productive than usual, I'm getting lonely without her to hang out with!

Some things

Things Joe and I are currently managing just fine: cooking/eating, taking care of Marija, laundry, dishes, taking things in from the garden (a handful of raspberries every other day!), occasional walks, even sleeping (well enough most days).

Things we often don't manage nowadays: keeping the house clean, watering the plants and most other things.

Times I have been able to sit through church since Marija was born: 3 out of like 12. Those are the times she slept through it; more often, I end up walking her back and forth outside the sanctuary or finding a place to feed her.

I guess this is all in about the range of what I expected, but it is a little different to live it in real life than in imaginings. It is hard to imagine it has been just eight weeks since she was born; life without her in my arms seems long ago. People said everything would change, and many things did -- but it feels surprisingly like part of the same life as before, and it is.

Times when I'm sitting with the baby in my lap are good for prayer, but not as good as the head-swirling opportunities in the middle of the night, when everyone is quiet and I can really think.

Have had two nights of quiet dreams after a string of bad ones - tornadoes, lightning, deep cold water. Am feeling peaceful after times of imagining all kinds of bad things that could happen but probably won't. Maybe stories used to soak up the excess imagination, but lately my thoughts turn mainly to daily life and the people I love instead of the stories I used to breathe by.

I am trying to rely on the Lord

but trying harder some days than others.

I am weak

but He is strong.

This is something I need to remember.